Cat's Story
by xxunbrokenxx
Summary: Cat's diary,me venting.warning/trigger...possible bulimia,anorexic thoughts and self harm cutting
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is me just venting. ive been feeling like this lately. In this story Cat will have 2 little brother's. I don't know if I will make this a long story or not. Cat will be ooc in this story

I do not own victorious

Dear Diary,

My name's Cat. I'm 17 years old and my best friend is Jade. Lately ive been going through a lot. I talk to Jade which helps a lot! Shes a great friend. I use to talk to Tori and Andre but now they ignore me. I feel like my life is falling apart. I'm not living, I'm just here! I fake a smile everyday and nobody notice's. Some nights I lie in bed wishing to not wake up the next day. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a good actress. Only Jade can see through me. I'm only hanging on for my 4 yr old and 1 yr old brother. I cant just leave them! It's crazy how 2 little boys can keep me here. I cut, get sick and not eat. I cant stop. It really takes a hold of you. People think you can just stop overnight but that's not true. Some days I do ok and think I can beat this while other days I cant see my self ever getting better.


	2. Chapter 2

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Dear Diary,

I lie awake at night thinking of the day that just past. I have so many thoughts running through my head right now. Why am I such a screw up? Why am I so fat/ugly? I think of everything I eat today and what I didn't keep in my body. Ive gone a few days without cutting and it feels great! I have nobody to thank but myself because as of right now my friends have stopped listening to me so why bother telling them I'm depressed? I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for Jade. She's the only one that knows about my cutting, getting sick and not eating. She doesn't judge me. She listens and tries her best to help me stop. I'm so worried though that one day she will say enough is enough! If you don't stop this I will stop talking to you and we wont be friends anymore. I hope that day never comes. Since I started cutting I lost a lot of really good friends. You would have thought that would have made me stop…right? Wrong! It only made me get worse. I started cutting when I was 13. Started not eating right when I was 14. The first time I got sick I was only 15 years old!


	3. Chapter 3

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Dear Diary,

Today was not a good day. I ate a lot today thus gaining weight. Feel like I'm a failure! My body is to weak to walk off the calories. I can never do anything right! I thought about death today. I didn't tell Jade because I don't want her to worry about me anymore than she does now. Another day of faking smile's and people believing it! I'm becoming more withdrawn and more in my own world. Thinking who would miss me if I did kill myself. My dad? Probably not. He didn't want anything to do with me! Tori? I bet if I texted her saying I was going to kill myself she wouldn't believe me. Andre? He probably wouldn't even answer never mind believe me! Jade? She's the only one that would believe me but do I really want her to know I'm thinking like that? i dont even know why i bother with life! whats the point? you only suffer! i just want the suffering to end! i want to stop pretending im happy all the time.


	4. Chapter 4

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Dear Diary,

Today was one of those days when I just wanted to stay in bed all day! I wake up and all I think about is how is this day going to go? Will I eat too much? I wish I could go a day without thinking about food and calories. How many more people can I pretend I'm actually happy with till someone says no your not? I wish I didn't have to fake. One day maybe I'll be me around people. Let them see how I really feel. It makes me think of when I was a child. You never had to pretend if you were happy or sad not knowing who was going to judge you. If you were happy, you would show it! If you were sad, you would show it! Those were the days when you made friends forever. When people weren't fake! When your parents loved you. When you didn't have to worry about struggling day to day with problems you created yourself and cant get out of! Before everything went wrong. Why did it all go wrong? I wish all the time I could go back to the day when I first cut and make myself not do it. Same with me not eating good and getting sick. I long forgot what made me start those things to begin with. What made me start to think I was fat and needed to go on a diet at 14! Why did my self esteem go so far downhill I cant get it back? If only I was truly happy again. I'm so glad Jade has stayed with me through all this. She could have left me long ago but no shes a true friend! There for me through thick and thin. Shes the only one that truly cares for me and loves me for me!


	5. Chapter 5

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Dear Diary,

People lie! They say they will be there for you but than there not! No one is ever there for me! I'm sick of feeling so alone, depressed, and suicidal! When your depressed you truly find out who your true friends are! Would anybody care if I died tonite? Right now I seriously don't think anybody would! It's not like I'm not telling Jade I'm depressed and suicidal! It's not like I'm not reaching out to people! I'm also cutting again. I cant stop and they keep getting deeper. It's like the pain isn't enough! Ive been having major mood swings the last couple of days. I don't know why. One moment I'm really happy than the next moment I'm really depressed. When I'm around people I act my normal bubbly self. Than when I'm by myself at home I'm depressed. They cant see through my act. I'm getting to good at pretending I'm fine.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Diary,

I'm not doing good since I last wrote in you. I'm just getting worse. Each day I just barely make it through the day. I truly don't know what is keeping me here anymore. I'm still cutting. Some days when I cut I don't care if I cut too deep. It only numbs me for a little bit than I do it again. Nothing helps to fully calm me down anymore. Just another cut, just another meal skipped, just another meal down the toilet… I'm beyond sick and tired of always pretending I'm happy! One of these days I'm going to give in and show how I'm truly feeling and it wont be good. I would love to know what it feels like to be happy again. All I remember is sadness, feeling alone, unloved, unwanted, worthless, useless… need I say more? I don't remember the day I started acting happy all the time but I know for certain I NEVER thought so many people would believe it! Nobody ever asks me if I'm ok. Andre even said last week I looked happy again… one day last week I didn't feel well so I acted like myself, the depressed Cat. That was only one day though that I let my mood slip. Even than you would have thought somebody would ask why I was sad… nope! Of course not. Cat depressed? No! not possible!


	7. Chapter 7

I do not own victorious

Dear Diary,

I've stopped cutting almost a month ago. Up till today I was still getting sick but that's going to stop. I can't keep hurting my body like that. This is the beginning of me finally treating my body right again. I'm not saying I won't cut or get sick again but I'm going to try my hardest not to. I hate the feeling that I need to get sick. Bulimia takes over your life! The urge to get sick is so overpowering sometimes. I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy! Nobody should have to deal with this. If it wasn't for my friends I wouldn't be able to stop either one of those things. I know with my friends I can get through anything! Jade has been such a great friend to me through all this. She still hasn't given up on me and is always there for me. In the last 2 in a half weeks I've been really sick at least once a week and I know it's because of throwing up so much. It differently messed up and weakened my immune system. Each day I'm nausea. I'm sick of feeling sick all the time! I'm always coughing because I'm getting sick so much. It's sad that I can pass my coughing off as a cold or allergies. I hate lying but when it's my fault I'm coughing I can't tell the truth. Only 3 people know the truth. I told Jade because she knew something was up and I knew she wouldn't judge me no matter what, but Andre and Tori found out on there own. I guess I wasn't as good at hiding it as I thought. If people knew the truth how would they look at me? I can't risk any more people finding out.


	8. Chapter 8

I do not own victorious

Dear Diary,

Couldn't sleep last night so I decided to write in you. I've been doing ok. I haven't cut or thrown up. Instead I'm trying to not eat a lot and exercise un till I'm physically exhausted! I swear I go from one extreme to the other! I still get urges to throw up or cut when I get stressed or depressed but if I can distract myself long enough it will go away. Some days though I think of just giving up. Like me getting better isn't possible or even worth it. I was very spaced out yesterday. Haven't been that bad in awhile. Am very moody which is never good because you end up flipping out on people that actually care about you and love you. You just hurt them in the process. It makes it worse when they ask if your ok and you say yes because you don't want your family finding out your not ok. That you were bulimic or close to becoming bulimic. It's bad enough they knew about my cutting before! My fake smile is getting less and less each day. It's getting really hard to keep up a façade! I'm slowly breaking. Slowly showing my true colors.


	9. Chapter 9

I do not own victorious

AN at the end

Dear Diary,

I would like to say I'm doing good but I'm not. Yes, I have stopped throwing up; haven't done it in a month! Yes, I also stopped cutting; almost 2 months! Sadly now all I think about is calories. I get mad if I eat anything over a certain calorie count (per meal). I was with Andre the other day in a store and he kept asking me if I wanted anything to eat. I said no I'm good, I have snacks in my purse if I get a little hungry. He than said something that broke my heart! He asked me if I was positive I didn't want to eat. I said yes Andre, really I'm fine. Thanks. He said Cat if you eat it wont make you sick. You know that right? I felt so bad as soon as he said that! It made me think he was worried or thought I wasn't eating because I couldn't get sick! That wasn't the reason. It was because I might go over the calorie limit I set for myself. Andre didn't need to know that though. I watch and try to calculate every single calorie that goes into me. I'm not going to lie and say its not annoying because it is! I want to stop thinking how many calories I'm eating but I cant. I know if I keep this up I can become anorexic and I don't want that. Its sad, I stop getting sick to go to barely eating. I'm not doing this on purpose. It just happened.

AN: hey everybody. I know this chapter may be "deep" or whatever you want to call it but this is what I deal with lately(every since I stopped getting sick) day to day. Please don't call me crazy or leave any rude comments. I know what I'm doing isn't right so please don't tell me that either. Anyways, thanks for reading.


	10. Chapter 10

I do not own victorious

Dear Diary,

Even though I've stopped getting sick a month ago it doesn't mean I still don't get the urge to. Some days are easier than others. I've thought " if I get sick just this once I can stop again". Truth is that probably wouldn't happen. I'd be right back into it again and the horrible cycle would continue. Each time I'd stop getting sick for a day or two I'd tell myself I wouldn't do it again than sadly slip right back into it! I always swore each time was worse than the last and that I couldn't stop. It was scary. You not knowing if that one time you throw up you may die or cough up blood. Those two facts alone has kept me from not doing it again when I've been wanting to so badly sometimes! This disease messes with you a lot. I really hope I can stop for good. So far I'm doing ok. Jade still has my back and is always there for me no matter what time it is. She has helped me so much with stopping and when I was doing it she would tell me tomorrow is another day, don't kick yourself over getting sick today. You can try harder tomorrow to quit. She always and still does tells me I can do this. That I can stop for good!


	11. Chapter 11

I do not own victorious

Dear Diary,

The last week all I've been wanting to do is isolate myself. I haven't wanted to go to school to see the few friends I do have. Normally the feeling of wanting to isolate comes and goes but for some reason this time it just won't go away! All I want to do is sleep and be left alone. I told Andre I don't get this! I want to be left alone but when that happens I get even more depressed. It just doesn't make sense! I get aggravated over every little thing lately. Andre says I'm just stressed out. Long time ago if I couldn't cut I'd hit my hand or arm till it'd bruise. I started doing that again. Andre and Jade saw and were worried. Andre's worried I'm going to go back to getting sick. He asked me the other day if I still do it and I said no but some days I want to. Andre told me I've lost weight in the last 6 months but of course I don't see it. no matter what I will always think people are lying to me when they say I lost weight. My mind tells me there lying. Jade's worried because I try to not eat more than 1 meal a day now in order to lose weight. Again, yes I know this isn't right. If it wasn't for Jade, Tori, or Andre finding out nobody would know I was doing this to myself. I keep it hidden so well! I make it seem like food doesn't bother me when most of the time it does. Jade asked me if I ever wanted to truly be happy and stop hurting myself the way I do and I responded by saying I want to be skinny.


	12. Chapter 12

I do not own victorious

AN: this chapter is going to be a little different. The first part I wrote a week ago but haven't had the time to upload it. Than the second part is now.

Dear Diary,

I hate hate HATE the days my body tells me I NEED to get sick! I've been nausea for the past hour. My minds telling me the only way I'll feel better is if I get sick, that I ate too many calories today so I need to get sick! I'm trying my hardest not to do it. If you deal with bulimia you probably know exactly what I'm going through right now. It's not easy to not give in.

For the last week every single day I've been nausea. I also had a headache almost non stop for the last week each time I had the nausea. It made for a very moody and grumpy Cat. I wanted to isolate and sleep more so than be awake because when I was asleep I didn't have to deal with feeling sick. This past week has been hard for me. I stopped telling Jade, Tori, and even Andre that I feel the need to get sick because they wouldn't listen to me and try to help me think of something else besides wanting to throw up because I didn't feel good. The urge each day was unbearable but I somehow made it though, all by myself! Each time I wanted to give in I thought of all the hell I'd go through trying to stop again. I haven't done it in almost 2 months which seems like forever. It may not seem like a long time but when you use to do it almost every day, sometimes more than once a day everyday not doing it seems like forever! It's all worth it though(not doing it). Stopping this has showed me how bad I was in it and how I never want to get that bad again.


	13. Chapter 13

I do not own victorious

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven't wrote in you the last week. Today I am very depressed. I have no one to talk to and for the last 4 hours I have been listening to depressing songs. I just want to curl up and die but I know I have to hang on for my little brothers! If it wasn't for them I don't think I would stay alive much longer. My dad never has anything nice to say lately. He tells me all the time I need to lose weight and it really hurts. It gets to me; makes me think. I don't want to go back to throwing up but I'm thinking of not eating in order to lose weight. I want my dad to be happy and proud of his daughter. Sadly I think if I ever do lose weight he still won't be happy. Crying as I write this because I truly don't know what to do. It would help if I could talk to Andre, Tori, or Jade but they either are busy or just ignore me now. I feel like I bother them to much with my problems. I'm the type of girl that is always there for her friends no matter what! Even if it's 1 in the morning if I get a text from either one of them I'd talk to them till they felt better but when it's me it's different! I haven't talked to Jade in almost a whole week. Last week I texted her saying I wanted to give up. She asked me why and I said because I was sick of all this crap. Within a minute she text's back "ok". I was shocked! To me it felt like she said ok that I could give up and hurt myself and she wouldn't care. It took her almost 24 hours to text me back saying sorry that was for my boyfriend. I didn't and still don't believe that. If it was for her boyfriend she would have found out she texted her depressed friend the wrong text sooner than that.


	14. Chapter 14

I do not own victorious

Dear Diary,

Over the last week since my dad had made those comments about my weight I've lost 4 pounds by eating less. I saw my dad over the weekend and he didn't comment on my weight so I'm guessing he noticed I lost some. Sadly I don't see that I lost weight. It's only because I have a scale and that tells me I did. I become almost obsessed with knowing if I lost or gained that I have to go on the scale every day. If I lost I get happy, but if I gained my mind tells me I need to eat less. Getting hungry pains which hurt a lot. I'm in my own world lately. I'm talking to Jade again. I told Andre and Jade how much weight I lost because I was happy that I lost 4 pounds in a week. Jade said she was happy that I'm losing weight but I'm doing it the wrong way. Andre also told me he was happy I lost weight but said to be careful to not hurt myself by not eating a lot. Even though I'm losing weight I'm nowhere near the weight I want to be. In my head I have this certain weight I want to be but I fear that if I ever get to that weight I still wont be happy. Since March I have lost 13 through 14 pounds from not eating as much. Some people noticed I've lost weight and tell me I look good but like I say because I see myself as being fat I don't even noticed. Yes, sometimes I don't eat on purpose. Yes, I know its stupid but it's the only way I lose weight.


	15. Chapter 15

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Dear Diary,

I haven't written in you lately because a lot hasn't changed. I am eating better(well I'm trying to). I gained the 4 pounds back that I lost. I got sick on Saturday, not on purpose though. Yes some days I still want to get sick(like right now) but I learned to try my best to control myself and distract myself so I don't get sick. Sometimes its harder than order times to get pass it but I know I can stop for good. I also know that I can always talk to Andre or Jade when I feel like getting sick and they will help me think of other things till the feelings pass. I know I cant talk to Tori if I feel like that or feel like cutting because she doesn't understand like Jade and Andre do. This heat wave has been bothering me really bad. It makes me get sick and or lose my appetite. Tori and Jade think I got sick on purpose and they got me mad because it makes me think they don't trust me. Jade says I probably made myself sick by thinking of it which I think is really stupid because why would I want to get sick? Some days I think of not eating because I want to lose weight but I don't want to get sick and I'm sick and tired of making my friends worry about me. I swear if I didn't stop cutting, getting sick, and not eating I would have lost Tori, Jade, and Andre.

p.s. this chapter is pretty much pointless and my worst chapter to date I think. I really don't know what to write anymore because I'm doing better. To the people that actually read this story thank you and I'm glad you liked it. Consider the last chapter the end of this story unless something comes up.


	16. Chapter 16

I do not own victorious

Dear Diary,

Well I lied…I'm not doing good right now. I want to sleep forever! Want to die. Very depressed. I just want to stop thinking I'm fat. I don't know who I am anymore! I'm so done pretending I'm fine! I'm not fine…! I'm sick of placing a fake smile on my face everyday and how so many people fall for it! Everybody thinks I'm happy…I'm far from happy! I'm hiding the true me. I have a lot of anger in me. Thus feel the need to cut even though I haven't cut in 4 months! All I think about is losing weight. People keep commenting saying I look good, that I lost weight but I don't believe them. I don't see it. I don't think I will ever see it. Even Andre said I lost weight!

Tori says I shouldn't worry about my weight but it's like I need to. My mind says I need to lose weight, restrict what I eat, and if need be throw up what I ate. That I'm FAT, UGLY, STUPID! I'm nausea each time after I eat again just like 3 months ago when I was getting sick on purpose a lot. It's like I'm going downhill and can't stop! I don't know what to think or make of this. It all happened because I got sick last Saturday(not on purpose). My brain is ALL confused since than. I'm trying to not eat a lot and when I do eat my brain says I need to get sick! I get mad if I gain weight. The only reason why I haven't gotten sick yet is because I don't want to waste the 3 hard months I didn't do it on my mind messing with me. It's like I never stopped!

I don't want Tori, Andre, or Jade to have to worry if I eat if I'm going to keep it down or throw it up. Nobody besides Jade, Tori, or Andre know what I go threw every day. It's hell! I hate that I created this monster and can't get rid of it! It's my doing so why can't I control it like when I first started and just stop for good? I don't want this anymore! I never wanted this…I wanted to lose weight, not get a eating disorder in the process!

Authors note: guess I'm not done with this story. Please no mean reviews I'm going threw a lot right now and I'm trying to stay strong, get better and not get sick. Like I've said before I didn't want this and this takes a hold of you. I've been dealing with disordered eating since I was 14 and I'm now 21 so I know it won't be easy to just stop and eat right.


	17. Chapter 17

I do not own victorious

Dear diary,

So I broke today and got sick. I've been trying SO hard to not do it but I have no support in trying to get better. Jade, Tori, and Andre always say I can talk to them when I feel like cutting or throwing up on purpose but when I try texting them saying I'm worried I'm going to relapse nothing is done! No help… so I did what I knew to do when I was really nausea and stressed out. I threw up and was immediately calm afterwards. It's like they don't believe me! Well when and if any of them find out I relapsed after 3 months I wonder how they will react; say why didn't you text us? I'll say well I did but you guys never took me serious and there's only so much I can take before I break down and do it. It's not like there wasn't a warning. This stuff doesn't just happen. I always try talking to someone before I do it but when I have no one to talk to it is extremely hard to not relapse.

Sadly normally when I do this(if I don't stop for awhile) my voice becomes weaker, I cough like I have a really bad cold, I get sore throats, and am apt to get sick easier(like a cold or flu). So it's not the easiest to hide since Andre knows what to look for when I'm getting sick. The downside to making yourself throw up on purpose is your stomach is in constant pain because your not keeping enough food in it. I mess my stomach up really bad each time I restrict what I eat and or throw up. I always think this time is the worst but each time is worst than the last. I'm afraid one of these times I'm going to go to far by accident and get seriously hurt but I can't stop this! I've tried multiple times. Guess when you do this stuff for over 7 years(on and off) you can't stop overnight like your friends would like.


	18. Chapter 18

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Dear Diary,

Sadly everything is going back to how it was 3 in a half months ago. I got sick again because I couldn't deal with the thoughts after I ate and the feeling of being full. I was going to do it a second time today but my friend got home just as I was going to do it. I know it's bad to say this but I'm mad she came home when she did because now my stomach is too full. The feeling of needing to get sick is still there and won't go away till I do it or just deal with it. With just that thought I know I'm already sucked into my bulimia again. All the feelings and thoughts are the same. I know some days I can make it through without getting sick but than I know if I'm stressed and or depressed I may get sick on those days, especially if I think I ate too much. I don't want to keep anything in me again. If I don't eat I feel ok but when I eat I feel like I need to get sick.

All I think about is exercise, food in general, and calories. Its so bad already that the other night I went for a walk/run even though it was dark. I NEVER do that because I know its not safe for a female or anybody for that matter to be out by themselves walking at 9 at night. Yesterday I went for another walk in order to try and lose weight but its not working. I'm gaining weight again. no matter how much I exercise it'll never be enough in my mind. I'm still severely depressed and still want to die. To sum it all up, I'm still not doing good and I don't know when I will start to recover again.


	19. Chapter 19

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Dear Diary,

Well last night was a really bad night. I was very suicidal. If it wasn't for one of my friends letting me talk to her I don't know if I would still be here. I tried texting Andre, he didn't answer and has yet to text me asking if I'm ok today. I texted Tori and me and her talked for a little bit but I couldn't tell her I was depressed because she would have stopped talking to me. I also texted Jade and all she said was to not do it because she would miss me. Jade and my other friend are the only two people that know I was severely suicidal last night. I'm still suicidal but as of this moment its not so bad that I will act on it, right now its just a thought. On a lighter note I went to the beach today and I had so much fun! I didn't want to leave. Out of the whole summer today was the first time I went there. Got a sunburn on both of my shoulders though but I will be ok.

I'm still getting sick on and off. Andre wants me to stop and told me I was doing so good before I started again. I told him the reason I started again was because I was really depressed, stressed, and couldn't deal with all the thoughts and feelings everyday. So yes, if you want to think of it as I took the easy way out than think like that! For me though I know it is a addiction that I can't stop by myself. I've tried multiply times and always go back to it. I have not gotten help for it yet but I will in the near future. I know I'm bulimic because if I really want or need to get sick I will make time somehow to do it. Yes, I know this isn't normal.

A.N. ok so far no rude comments but I would like to say once again please no rude comments. I am not doing this for attention. Also thanks for all the nice reviews and for the people that say I can talk to them. It really helps.


	20. Chapter 20

I do not own victorious

Short AN: if at any point any of my readers think what I'm writing is for attention PLEASE stop reading! I do not want any rude comments!

new ending...

Now on to the next and maybe last chapter

Dear Diary,

I am not doing good at all. I've NEVER been this depressed day in and day out. All I think about is death. Thursday august 9th I tried to kill myself. The whole time I couldn't stop thinking of my brothers and how if I died how I know they would have missed me so much. Just that thought alone killed me. I didn't want my brothers to know loss so young! So I stopped. Some of you people may think that means I wasn't really trying to kill myself or was just trying to hurt myself. Let me say this… I was trying to kill myself but I couldn't knowing how sad and loss my little brothers would be without seeing there big sister ever again. I stayed up after I did it and texted my friend for a few hours. don't ask me how I stayed awake because I truly don't know how I did. I was beyond tired! My friend was very worried about me. I kept misspelling my words because I couldn't think straight. I was extremely out of it(disoriented). I couldn't even register my cell phone was ringing. It took my brain a good minute to realize my phone had made noise. To my big surprise I felt ok on Friday. I had a ok weekend. Saw my dad, step mom, and little brothers. My brothers kept telling me they loved me. I felt so bad knowing I could have been dead.

Sadly that didn't stop me from trying again Monday night. This time it was worse, I took more. I was nausea, felt really weak, dizzy, out of it again and extremely tired. This time I fall asleep within a half hour of doing it. My friend and Andre this time were extremely worried. Andre kept asking me questions. I didn't want to answer them but since I knew he meant good and was worried about me I did. This time around again I barely remember the night I tried to kill myself. The only reason I know I texted my friend and Andre was because the text messages were on my cell phone the next day. It has been two days since I did it and I'm still felling side effects. I have constant nausea and headaches, turning stomach, very foggy memory, I space out constantly. My appetite is way off.

Sadly I'm thinking of doing it all over again and worse than the last two times because I'm so depressed and can't see a reason to live anymore. If you guys are wondering what I did… I tried to overdose on Tylenol.

Well like I said at the beginning of the chapter this may be the last chapter for really this time. I know its only a matter of time before I succeed. Well sort of good news. I haven't gotten sick in a week. On the 18th will be 5 months I haven't cut.

AN:

I'm done! I'm not living anymore…I'm just here! I just did it again… I don't care anymore! Nobody can stop me. Nobody cares anyways. So bye everybody.

Already having trouble concentrating!

p.s. even if I don't die this story is done!


	21. Chapter 21

I do not own victorious

Dear diary,

Well it's been awhile since I wrote in you. Said I was done with life last time. Still here. Doing ok, could be better though. Went to the doctors today and was told I have depression, ptsd(post traumatic stress disorder) and ednos(eating disorder not otherwise specified). I don't know what to make of it. I don't want to think I have a eating disorder but for a doctor to say I do I guess I cant deny it. I kept asking the doctor if she was sure I had ednos and she kept saying yes. Some people may think that means I'm not as "sick" as someone who has bulimia or anorexia but that's far from the truth. I'm still "sick", I still have all the same thoughts/ feelings as someone who has anorexia or bulimia, I still have a eating disorder. I'm in my own hell! I hate that I started this when I was 14 thinking I could stop, that me eating less for a few months wouldn't mess with me! Well guess I was wrong because it messed with me a lot! I did this to myself!

I had stopped for a little over a month not throwing up on purpose but started back up last week. The feelings and thoughts are horrible this time! All I think about is calories, when and if I can get sick, and if I'm losing weight. I'm not losing weight and that's getting me very mad! All I want is to be skinny and beautiful but where I am now is so far from ever being either one of those things! I want to trust and believe my friends and family when they say I'm pretty. Right now I can't believe them because of the mind set I'm in. I'm very spaced out again, don't feel like myself. Even though I haven't been getting sick again for a long period of time I can already feel the effects. My throat hurts a little bit time to time, my voice is weaker, already coughing more, me constantly spacing out!


	22. Chapter 22

I do not own Victorious

Worst chapter to date I think! Just my thoughts as of right now.

Dear Diary,

I don't know what to think or do. I still want to die! Lately I've been wanting to cut as well. I'm trying really hard not to cut though because I haven't done it since March. I feel like I'm eating so much even though I know what I eat probably is little compared to what others may eat. My mind says a normal meal is too much food for me! I feel so alone even though I have friends I can talk to. I also feel like nobody cares about me even though I know my friends care about me and I feel unloved. I believe that I bother my friends and that's one reason why they barely talk to me, and that they would be better off with out me here. I have so many thoughts and feelings right now(and the last few nights) that I can't even express them all even if I tried! I feel so lost!

I haven't gotten sick since Thursday. Sadly I'm mad at myself for that. I don't know why but I am. Nobody knows how depressed I truly am and I bet if I tried telling Tori, Andre, or Jade they would ignore me, say I don't have a reason to feel the way I feel, or get mad at me because I'm depressed. Few weeks ago I told Tori I didn't want to be depressed and she told me than don't be. It's like ok I'll turn off the depression! I don't know how you could tell your friend that! Depression doesn't just go away!


	23. Chapter 23

I do not own victorious

Just some of my thoughts last night

Dear Diary,

I feel like I don't deserve the few friends I do have. Like they deserve better and shouldn't care about me at all. I feel like such a horrible friend because I put them through so much with my problems. All I do is worry my friends. It feels like I deserve my friends not talking to me. Like I deserve to be feeling this lonely and unloved! If only I wasn't so messed up! I say I'm ok because technically its not lying because I'm not saying I'm good or bad. Sadly I'm anything but ok. I'm never happy! I haven't cut in 7 months which is the third longest time I haven't cut since I started this 8 years ago. I still want to cut though when I get depressed or stressed. To be honest I really don't know how I'm not doing it!

My eating is ok. I haven't thrown up in almost a month. Still get the thoughts though. Still think about death. Still want to kill myself. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive and I don't know why people even want me alive. Some nights I go to bed wishing and hoping I don't wake up the next morning, but I always do! Nothing is lifting my mood anymore and that scares me. Thats never a good sign for me.


	24. Chapter 24

I do not own victorious

Short chapter…

Dear Diary,

Well I'm done! I always mess things up! I feel so alone but I know if I keep telling the few friends I do have how I'm truly feeling I'll lose them. So I'm trying to stay quiet. Just want to die! don't see any reason to stay alive… to live! I'm ever so slowly going into a very deep depression that I don't ever see myself coming out of alive! I try to be happy for my friends when I talk to them but I can't do that anymore because I'm never happy! All I do is get them mad at me or there worried about me. I hate that! Why should I let my friends know how sad I really am when that'll just make them stop talking to me!?


	25. Chapter 25

I do not own victorious

Dear Diary,

I swear I keep getting worse and worse! I got sick a couple times the other day. After I had gotten sick I was very calm and my mind was blank… I did not take that as a good sign! I've been wanting to cut and or die every single day for far to long now! I keep on barely making it thro each day. I can't pretend anymore! I'm not ok but nobody cares or even notices! If I don't cut today it will be 8 months I haven't cut. I truly don't see myself not doing it today. I'm just so depressed lately and nothing is helping me cheer up anymore. I keep thinking if I cut or die no one will care! No one will notice if I'm gone! I'm just here, but this person… it's not me! I don't know who I am anymore. My moods have changed so much in the last month or so and for the worse. I've never been so depressed! I wish I could sleep forever. I go to bed depressed and I wake up depressed.

I feel like I'm losing the few friends I'm close with and it hurts a lot! Jade, Andre, and Tori never talk to me anymore. I'm isolating more and more! Keeping to myself, and shutting out people that actually do care about me. People say they care about me but I don't feel it! I feel horrible, worthless, useless, dead…! I don't know how much longer I'll be here if my mood doesn't change. I feel myself going downhill with the eating disorder. The other day I got this pill from the store that may help me lose weight. So far it has helped with me not being hungry at all but I'm still stupid enough to eat. I keep thinking if I were to keep taking this and can put off the eating I should defiantly lose weight!


	26. Chapter 26

I do not own victorious

A.N. I don't even know why I'm uploading this chapter. SO much emotion in this one…

Dear Diary,

Even though I'm in a good mood the thoughts don't stop! I always have thoughts about my weight, how ugly and fat I am, how many calories are in what I'm eating, should I eat that, oh my god I shouldn't have eaten that now I need to throw up! Feeling fatter than I was just 10 minutes ago even though I know that's not possible but that doesn't stop my mind by saying it's true! How I need to lose so much weight but always end up eating and feeling guilty, horrible, and so many other feelings after.

I don't ever see myself actually eating healthy. To be honest I don't think I know how to eat healthy even if I tried! After 7 yrs my mind is so messed up by throwing up and not eating. I hate looking in the mirror because all I see is this fat, ugly girl! I hate how I look so bad! Once in a blue moon one of my family members will say I look pretty but I never believe them! They have to say I'm pretty because I'm family right?! They can't be telling me the truth! No, because the truth is I'll never be pretty! There lying! They want me to think I'm pretty so I eat and get more fat and ugly! They have to be lying to me right?! I get so mad at myself when I can't lose weight. I feel horrible because I'm gaining a few pounds but I keep trying to tell myself it's the holidays and gaining some weight is bound to happen. I just wish it wouldn't!

I hate when I eat and am happiest when I barely eat. If I could I would never eat again! My thoughts are that bad… they tell me eating is bad and starving myself is good. Right now I'm still going between eating "ok" to throwing up a lot. I still haven't cut. I swear that's the only thing I'm actually doing good at lately! I have been isolating really bad in the last month and have been at my worse with my depression. I was thinking of suicide daily for far to long!


	27. Chapter 27

I do not own victorious…So sad it ended.

Dear Diary,

Was thinking of ending my sorry but I figured why not put up one last chapter? Not a lot has changed in the last 2 months. I don't restrict as much and I still throw up time from time. I did however restrict so bad recently that I lost 4 pds in 2 days. Of course I gained that back because I started to eat again…bad me! I felt HORRIBLE those 2 days. Constant nausea, headaches, a little dizzy and some stomach pain. I noticed when I'm stressed or depressed my eating disorder is a lot worse than when I feel 'ok'.

I have been very stressed the last month or so and have been having trouble not listening to my eating disorder's voice(or whatever you want to call it) in my head! I swear I was going to listen to it so bad that it would kill me very quickly! Still here though and doing so so. I feel like I'm self destructing ever so slowly and one day I'm going to seriously hurt myself. I will not go into detail. I've even thought of cutting myself recently and I haven't done it in almost 11 months so I'm not trying to mess up now.

My therapist recently decided maybe I should go on a meal plan and since I wasn't sure, I was stupid and said no. I will explain… I said no to her because as of right now I sort of don't want to get better. Yes, VERY stupid to say. Right now I have more 'I don't want to get better' days than 'I want to stop this and get better' days. If you have a eating disorder you may know what I mean by that. If you don't understand what I mean by that, I'm sorry but some things are hard for me to explain. I know for most people that probably wont make sense and to be honest to me half the stuff I put myself though doesn't even make sense to me too!

O.K. I think this was a pointless chapter…

Also Please NO rude comments!


	28. Chapter 28

I don't own victorious

Dear Diary,

I'm not doing good once again. As I type this I am dizzy. Last year, some time I started taking water pills and laxatives. I would never take them together and I would maybe take them once a month or maybe every other month, so not a lot. As of right now I've been taking them together and at least 2 through 3 times every month this year so far. I can see I'm getting worse with that, but it feels like I need to do that every time I notice I gain a pound or two. Once I see that weight go down on that scale I feel better…. But only for a few moments, than I get really depressed about my weight again and feel like doing it again.

I haven't been myself lately. I swear my depression is getting worse. I cry almost every night now! Sometimes over nothing, but most of the time its because I feel so alone, depressed, and over think everything when it comes to what I ate that day. I've been wanting to isolate almost every day now too. Even right now I want to crawl into a ball and die!

I have a goal weight that I want to get to but my friends say it's too low. I just want to look good and right now I believe I look horrible! It doesn't help that my dad reminds me that I am "fat and will never get a boyfriend because of it". After he told me that I called my friend crying. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I'm convinced I'll never get a boyfriend and I'm convinced I'll always be looked at as being fat!

I try to act strong but I know I am slowing breaking! I don't know how much more I can take some days. I try my best handling being stressed but I notice whenever it becomes unbearable for me that's when I go downhill fast! I will never know how I pull myself out of going even further downhill till there's no coming back every single time!


	29. Chapter 29

I don't own victorious

Dear Diary,

Defiantly slipped back into my anorexic thoughts/ways. Won't let myself eat more than one meal a day and when I do, I get really mad at myself. Can't believe I let myself slip back into this! I seriously (stupidly) thought I could cut down what I was eating and not get like this again. Such a dumb thought on my part. Seriously hate how fast it takes over. I'm also suicidal so I know my depressed mood isn't helping with the not eating much, if anything I think that's why it got bad so fast!

Feeling horrible, useless, dumb! Want to take laxatives and water pills again. Hate my life and my eating disorder. Want to die, be thin, happy, perfect! Feeling so alone! Hate keeping all my bad thoughts to myself, but I know I need to because if I don't I'll lose all my friends. These feelings/thoughts day in and day out… I can't deal with them! Putting on a fake smile and dying inside is one of the hardest things to do. I do that every single day of my life! Its so hard to smile now. I know nobody can tell I'm this depressed or 'sick' and by the time people notice it will be too late… I'll probably be dead by than!

Almost every night lately I think to myself, will tonite be the night I do it? There's two little reasons keeping me here… called my little brothers! If it wasn't for them, I'd care less about my life but I know they need me. So I try my hardest to not hurt myself because of them. I want them to grow up knowing there big sister, who they adore and love so much.


	30. Chapter 30

I do not own Victorious

Dear Diary,

I would like to say the reason why I haven't updated in such a long time is because I'm doing good, but I'm not doing good. I've had no time or energy to write. Been severely depressed and it's only gotten worse and worse as time has gone on. Yesterday and today for some odd reason I've had a lot of energy. Walked a good 2 miles today… but of course to me I see that as nothing! I could have done more! The last couple of months I've had NO energy because of me being really depressed. I've been wanting to walk because I've gained all the weight back from binging but I was too depressed to even leave my bed half the time! Normally when I'm depressed that's when I cant eat… but for some reason this time around I binged really bad. I hated not being able to stop eating once I started! I've been trying to watch what I'm eating the last couple of days without becoming obsessive, which is really hard. I have gone down a couple pounds again so happy about that. Been shutting myself off from the few friends I have because I'm afraid of losing them… So I just keep quite half the time and pretend I'm ok when really I'm so far from ok its not even funny! My depression has gotten so bad that if I was asked how I was feeling, I couldn't even fully explain because its too hard to explain to anybody.

Please no rude comments.


	31. Chapter 31

I do not own Victorious

Dear Diary,

Nobody cares or notices unless your dead. beyond tired of always being ignored! I try talking to my friends and all I get is pure silence! I sort of understand bc who wants to hear that there friend is sad? But I don't understand because it feels like they don't care or have given up on me.

Now I will tell you something about me right now... NOMATTER WHAT I HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP ON A FRIEND! But friends or people I have/had consider to be my friends do it so often that it's no wonder I can't trust people and have given up on myself! Been so stressed out lately I'm barely eating! Of course that's fine by me because I'm hoping I'll lose some weight.


End file.
